Journal Entry 19: Final Thoughts

So this is it, this is the end. I don't know if I really knew what this experience would end up becoming, or meaning to me. At first, I saw this summer service as an opportunity to get away from everything. A way to keep running and hide away from whatever the future holds, because I 'm scared of what lies ahead. But without even realizing it, I accomplished my goals set for this summer. How did I get so lucky to have landed an opportunity such as this one? I have let go of the shy girl from the past & have met so many amazing people, and become part of this group that is made up of something bigger, another world that I never knew existed. The biggest thing I keep relearning is that even though I do not love myself at times, people constantly come into my life and love me regardless & accept me for who I am. For that, I thank them for loving me even when I couldn't do it myself. My Blue Rag that has been tied shall remind me to go ahead and do all the things I am capable of doing and allowing myself to become the great person I am capable of becoming. Who knew complete strangers could just come into your life & just change it & have such an impact on your soul. Although I am struggling to become the person I want to be, I know now the type of person I don't want to become. I don't want to hide behind my looks anymore, or my insecurity, or fear. I don't want to be the girl in the background anymore. I want to be they type of girl worth noticing. I want to become someone other people strive to be. But most of all, I want to be happy on the inside. I know in a way this summer has changed me, and although I don't know the influence it will have on me as I have to go back to the "real world," I know it has definitely changed me for the better. I am scared for the future, I am stressed out already by the responsibilities and work that await me, but the difference now is that I won't let it consume me. I would be brave, for there is much to dare. I know I can do anything now, after being able to have done all of this. What I didn't know before is the power I have to decide my own fate. I know I must be strong, for there is much to suffer on the road ahead, but I can do it. I really can. I can see what the future holds for me. :)

Journal Entry 18: Looking Back

• Dani's, Raylene's, Diana's, Miranda's, & Abigail's Rag ceremonies
• Easter Seals dance
• Laughing at inappropriate jokes
• Dance & observatory
• Staff lunch
• Doug Day
•  Fishing with Kyle
• Dougie :)
• Maggio's = best food ever
• Shooting stars
• "Ah mah balls!" Nearly broke my heart laughing so hard
• Tom's idea of blowing water out that got stuck at the bottom of the Minechute by farting lmfao
• Lady farting at canoes
• Miss Thea & Micheal
• Ghetto rag/retying ceremony
• Flying squirrel!
• Pulling rope @ low ropes
• Abolicious
• Tye Dye-ing
• Swimming Party
• Busted Ankle (darn my clumsiness!)
• Ice Cream Runs
• Counseling Raylene & Diana
•  Running Crafts <3
•  Bubble Guppies
•  Driving the golf cart
• Nice Cathy with Easter Seals
• Hiking with Abigail & the Hike to Miranda's ceremony
• Dad driving crazy down the mountain
• All the nice things Andie & Josh #2 said about me
• Talking with that one kid before dance about life and the future
• Running Store & Alex saying ahaha got you!
• Armed Services dance
• Sneaking off to Starbucks with Abby & some Marines during the night
• That hilarious councilor who was from Trinidad
• Head, shoulders, knees, and Twerk!
• Don't pull a Kobe!!!
• Pretty eyes, Presley, Lil Jay & Jill, Robert "the professor," Sterling, & Scott
• Singing "There he goes, there he goes again, racing through our camp!" every time Josh #2 passed by on the golf cart and getting all the camp to do it too

Journal Entry 17

• Hiking to the tree house with Abigail: Rainy day, old zip-line & climbing wall, Shannon's tree, selfies with Camp Oakes sign.
• Dancing in the dining hall
• Grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup
• My own Rag ceremony: Gigi, Raven, Diana, & Kyle, sunflowers, ocean breeze scented candle, Kyle's prayer, Gigi's kind words, crying & laughing, counseling with Raven by the fisherman's cabin.
• McDonald's with Miranda, Justin, Abby, & me: Exploding chocolate frap, 21 questions, saying what we liked about each other.
• Surprising mom and dad by showing up at home
• Hiking with mom, Ernie, Dominic, & Gpa
• Watching Mean Girls with Raylene & Abby
• Salem Christian Homes, Michael & Miss Theodora <3
• Getting a cat!
• Running over bubble wrap with golf cart
• Painting targets for archery
• Building a swing with Diana
• Riding the golf cart
• Fun adventures with Miranda & the golf cart
• Day Camp
• Rainy days and thunderstorms

Journal Entry 16: Preparing for my Blue Rag

Ragger's Creed

I would be true, for there are those who trust me;
I would be pure, for there are those who care;
I would be strong, for there is much to suffer;
I would be brave, for there is much to dare.
I would be friend to all-the foe, the friendless;
I would be giving, and forget the gift;
I would be humble, for I know my weakness;
I would look up, and laugh, and love and lift.

Myself

I have to live myself, and so I want to be fit for myself.
I want to be able, as days go by, always to look myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun, and hate myself for things I have done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf, a lot of secrets about myself,
And to fool myself as I come and go, into thinking that nobody else will know, 
The kind of man I really am. I don't want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect, I want to deserve everyone's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame & wealth I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know that I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.
I can never hide myself from me, I see what others never see.
I know what others may never know, I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be self-respecting and conscience free.

Today I became a Blue Ragger and made a goal for myself in the hopes that through achieving this goal, I would learn to love myself and become a better version of myself. It's time to let it go. <3

Journal Entry 15

June 26th- July 21st, 2014

• Beach for Valerie's 21st Birthday
• Raisin's house: Kyle, Diana, Justin, & Gigi
• Cheesy Birdmess & Tareeeet!
• Lunch at Teddy's with Bean
• Slackjaw dancing & campfire
• Walk/hike with Diana
• Swimming with Miranda & Diana
• Pixie Hallow ~ Orange County camp with Jackatha, Tay, Rhys, Josh & getting a spoon ring from CJ
• "Jukebox" nickname form Josh
• Riding in a tractor with Josh
• Running dance all by myself
• It's raining men!
• Playing Skip Bo
• Starting my own fire
• Hershey's spread with s'mores
• Counseling with Raven
• Late night talk with Diana
• Baby Fiona <3
• Doing observatory with Raylene
• Sofa nap adventures
• Dance with Desert families
• Having that one kid saying that I did really good for my first year make my whole experience worth it.
• Positive comments mentioning my name
• Running observatory with Josh #2, Dani, & Chase
• Watching Beer Fest
• Water Fest = V2 Japan & Chugging WAY TOO much water
• Spicy Avocado <3 ;)
• Going to the bank on a Sunday lol: Denny's, Dollar Tree, Starbucks
• Watermalone with Tajin = Best Thing Everr
• Day Camp <3
• Tree Cookies
• Horrible tan lines and dish duty :P
• Making a rock path and picking up bullet casings = some of the most randomness jobs EVER
• Driving home with Miranda
• Playing and being the mafia and winning

Journal Entry 14

June 24th & 25th, 2014

• Doing Indian Lore all day but having Cabin 3 of Desert Families come up with my camp nickname "Mystery Machine"
• All the guys going H.A.M. on the face painting and just making my day. The ice cream cone on the face, cholo tears, maze drawn on that one guys back & trying to make the kids look like warriors who are about to go into battle = awesome.
• Observatory: Driving with the flat tire = funniest shit EVER
• The story of Leo the Lion and Mendez & Miranda acting it out was hilarious
• The expression of the kids faces when they saw Saturn for the first time through the telescope = priceless and totally worth this whole experience.
• Finally getting paid! First paycheck EVER!
• Going into Sandie's and hanging out and running into Tony, Morgan, Raisin, & some staff from Camp Whittle.
• Car Ride home singing Indiana Jones
• The story of Cassiopeia the constellation & Morgan explaining it made my night

Journal Entry 13

June 22nd & 23rd, 2014

• Waking up at 5 am to drive back down
• Getting car sick & throwing up
• Running arts and crafts and making turd looking candles
• Watching the Dark Knight
• Running Canoes with Raylene

Journal Entry 12

• Dominic's 13th Birthday and I went homed for the day driving back down the mountain with Chris & Mom
• Taking pictures and finally getting home
• Meeting our new dog named Buster. He's a little rascal and is going through a biting phase. He bit my toes and ears
• Caught up on Facebook and went to my nina's house to celebrate
• Carne asada, beans, rice, chips, salsa, and agua de papaya
• Most of dad's family was there & I got to catch up with them
• Hung out at home by myself for a bit with Charlie & Buster. Felt a little guilty that I really didn't get Dominic anything for his birthday and didn't really hang out with him. It's something I really struggle with and should be one of my goals to develop our bro/sis relationship. He's growing up right in front of me & I'm to distracted to take notice. If there is one thing I've learned is that time is crucial and once it's done there in nothing that can be done. He's my baby brother after all. 
• So far the summer has been going pretty good hopefully the rest of it brings about many more adventures & stories that will be told from my time here. 
• Stay positive, stay happy, make each day memorable.

Journal Entry 11

June 16th-20th, 2014

• It was the first week of camp!
• Saving that kid from canoes because he freaked out and got my feet soaked
• Running Indian Lore all by myself
• Painting "war paint" on some of the kids faces
• Being a rope angel for Miranda = fun
• Riding in the golf cart with Robo Josh
• Rolling on my ankle & walkin it off
• Being left behind by everyone on Friday -.- not cool
• Watching the bucket list and going in canoes with Miranda, Raylene, Diana, and Abby
• Running canoes with Morgan and laughing our asses off & just talking
• Camp Fire -> Lean on Me
• Playing pool with Kyle 
• Hanging on to Raisin's car while she was driving
• Dumping away all that cardboard and chairs
• Singing Indiana Jones on the golf cart while driving around camp
• Building the Wikiup
• Nap Breaks
• Running slingshots & canoes

Journal Entry 10

• Paddling canoes with Kyle, Miranda, Raylene, Jeremy, & Tom
• Finally climbed the rock wall!!!
• Held spot the snake
• Went zip-lining twice
• Went down the Minechute
• Took down the Indian Hut & was covered head to foot in dirt
• Hung in the A-Frame & just finished "If I Stay"

Journal Entry 9

• Finally a day off!
• Breakfast with Miranda, Josh, Gigi, Gabby, Andie, Jeremy
• Cinnamon Rolls :)
• Dollar Tree, Kmart (getting hit on by some random guys -.-), and Copper Q where I finally got free wifi & was in civilization
• Dinner with Andie, Gabby, Gigi, Miranda, and Dani @ Hacienda (taquitos & flan FTW)
• Sandie's where Freddie met us to watch the soccer game
• Hanging out in the A-frame

Journal Entry 8

• High ropes
• Theatre
• Low Ropes
• Pool Party
• SANDIE'S!!! :)
• Creeping ride with Tony
• Playing pool
• Cashier breaking down

Journal Entry 7

• Breakfast
• Nature Hike
• Minechute
• Dance
• Indian Lore
• Running errands with Josh
• Wildlife
• Wall climbing

Journal Entry 6

• Sexual Harassment videos for HOURS... fml we were all dosing off
• Fired a gun for the first time and a bow & arrow
• Took a hike/tour around camp
• Got to see Venus & the Moon through the observatory telescope
• Camp fire listening to all of Sean's crazy stories when he was on duty as a cop & all the incidents he's been apart of & also some of Mendez's
• Bonding :)
• "Kung-Fu Grape"
• Science is cool

Journal Entry 5

Staff projects with Josh #1 which involved moving folder after folder of file from the office above the barn down to the storage cottage (I believe it's called), & I finally got to pet one of the cats! (Which is strictly forbidden, but I couldn't resist!) After that we learned how to operate the Minechute which was so much fun & brought out the kid in me. :) After that we really didn't know what else to do, so we pretty much did whatever Josh could think of and went on a tour around camp. BUT THE BEST OF ALL WAS THAT I FINALLY ZIP-LINED FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!!! :D I was so nervous but it was so cool! I also fished for the first time & caught two. By the end of the night we were all pretty much exhausted, but I ended the night listening to all the crazy stories that Freddie, Miranda, Mendez, & Morgan, who joined in at the end of the night, had to tell. It was a day of first & bringing out the child in me & also getting to better know my staff members.

~Gaga ball & Fingerprinting

Journal Entry 4

Doctor Physicals/ Drug Tests were today. I made a complete ass of myself when I misheard him & did what was really more of skating motion towards him & accidentally followed him into another room. After we were done we came back and had lunch where we then had a really long & tiring program staff meeting/ information overload day. We took breaks in between, but after dinner we were allowed to have the day off. I came back to my cabin to read "If I Stay" & ended up taking a really long & needed nap. We just finished the day with a camp fire playing mind game & I got to know a lot more about Sean, his wife, & the birth of their new baby girl. I also did laundry for the first time here even though it took me and Miranda forever to figure out how to open the shed. The fact that the night ended with country music playing and all us of gathered together & just being with one another strengthened the bonds that we have. Hopefully this proves that we are a great team. Tomorrow the head hanchos come so we'll see how that goes & I might go zip-lining for the first time too.

Journal Entry 3

For the amount of work we did today, it was so much fun. We did what were called "staff projects." Freddie, Mendez, Justin, Tony, Sean, Abby, Danielle, Diana, Brittney and I went to go dump a surplus of junk that had accumulated around the dumpster. Granted it was very dirty & demanded a bit of hard work, we got it finished as a team by creating a line formation and some others had fun doing karate kicks to break some of the boards in half so they would fit. It's true when they say that the best way to get to know people is by working with them. After that Andie & Robo Josh sent us out to go paint the "whale watch." It was Dani, Brittney, Abby, Diana, and me. We talked, laughed, hammered, and painted. By the end it looked like a pool table and found it hilarious when Diana got brown paint on her knees. I think I'm going to start calling her "Brownies." Crap, I forgot, before or after that we moved wood into a shed and after we broke for lunch I finally learned how to canoe! It was my first time ever & I loved t! Granted it's not very easy, but eventually you get the hang of it. I think we had dinner after that, and we all went to what was my very first campfire within an actual camp. There were skits (Raisin, Pot holder, Hippo Dance, Arcade Showdown) & we are s'mores in the true campfire spirit. The best part was singing after, going back to the A-Frame, hanging out, and I think I finally learned/understand how to play Texas hold 'em or something like that... This day reminded me of that quote from Divergent where Tris says that if her life is filled with loud noise from the laughter of the people around her & the exhaustion from working a long, hard, but satisfying day, that she wouldn't mind at all and would be content all the days of her life. I finally understand, and after a day like today I can say that I'm truly happy. :)

 

Journal Entry 2

Today's training took FOREVER. We learned about CPR, First Aide, & all that good important stuff. I chickened out doing the lifeguard test even though I specifically wanted to make a change in myself  by not letting me get in my way of what I am capable of accomplishing. It's mostly my own fear, indecision, and lack of confidence that gets in the way. I NEED TO STOP THAT. This should definitely be a new summer goal of mine. Anyways, by the end of the day we were all so exhausted by all the training, but we ended the day with a staff BBQ @ the A-Frame. While waiting for the food to finish up/be cooked I got introduced to Raisin (Katie/best person EVER) & she taught us how to play thumbs, toaster/elephant/rabbit, & something else called Looky Shoes. After that, we were surprised with lame group games & a meeting that lasted into the cold night. We're all a little worried about how camp will go this year with all these crazy rules, but where there is such a great will to have fun there is, or I will find, a way to may it happen. Let's see what tomorrow holds. :) 
~I also got a chance to call mom & dad & Alex for her birthday
~Also the day Potato got his camp name :)

Journal Entry 1

Let's just say we got completely lost. Seriously, I think we drove around Big Bear Lake at least 3 times. We must have been lost for about 4-5hrs before we called Uncle Lulu to help us. But seeing that sign for the first time saying "CAMP OAKES" was such a relief. The first people I met were Sean, Andie, Gabby (my room mate), & Gigi. I was introduced to the rest of the gang/program staff: Raylene, Miranda, Dani, Abigail, Diana, Brittney, Freddie, Morgan, Jeremy, Justin, Mendez, Emma who's from Dublin, Ireland, & Tom who's from Liverpool, London (Great Britain) in the "A-Frame." After getting introduced, we played a game called Sardines. It was pretty fun, but in the pitch black forest you could hardly see anyone. We gave up after a while & finally got accommodated.